Saturday, July 18, 2015

down the rabbit hole

"good enough"
A phrase loaded with questions, became such a pest in the last couple months. It nagged through the day, tormented at night...distracted at all times. Regardless of the situation or venue it seemed to present.

Not "good enough" degree to continue leading a team at work... really triggered a lot of insecurities and fears hidden deep inside. Although desired and loved, not chosen... although talented and experienced, not excellent... the age old fear of luke warm rather than hot or cold. It physically weighed heavy and tired. Though I'm not entirely sure how or when the nagging "good enough" phrase moved to the background (for it still lurks), I sense it's lack of power.

Encountering patients in the crisis center, provides needed refreshment on perspective..  a woman sits across from me reporting 13 years of heroin use, feeling tired of chasing the high, wanting to get to 10 years clean.... and she's currently 23 years old.  A handsome 24 year old young man, begs with pleading eyes for help on inpatient treatment after being released from prison. Every excuse and story in the book comes out of a 20 year old's mouth drug seeking. Tears cascade down their cheeks, desperation in their eyes, shaking and trembling in their legs...  and all of them choose to walk out the door, impatient for the fix.. unable to fight through the pain and wait to the treatment.

An eye doctor recently explained to me that our eyes are incredibly intelligent... but if they weren't quite so intelligent, we would be able to see better. So our eyes work in conjunction with one another - simulatenously seeing and focusing, without ability to work separately. If the right eye is strong and sees clearly, able to function independently without the left eye, then corrective lenses wouldn't be of need. However, because of the way our eyes are designed the left eye must "help" - therefore creating bad vision.

It seems that our bodies and minds plague us... through physical and psychological cravings for our chosen addiction... to the fears and doubts and concerns that rambage our mind...

My oldest and best friend recently said to me, "really no one is good enough, which in turn makes everyone enough or at least in the same field. Who of us, with all our flaws, could ever tell someone else they aren't good enough. We just have different strengths and weaknesses, some of those just appear worse than others... but who is to judge."  Wise words, though they take some time to soak into actualization..

In the meantime, it feels a little like a relatively controlled chosen fall down the rabbit hole!

No comments:

Post a Comment