Sunday, July 17, 2016

Going [Somewhere] Fast

Many times lately I've taken "pen to paper", but feel everything is just a rehash at the end of the day. It gets crumbled and thrown in the trash, thoughts or experiences designated not significant enough to share. Just a day off a year ago, I wrote about falling down the rabbit hole. Hard to believe a year ago has gone by, not entirely sure where it went... what was accomplished... what I've learned... how life has changed.. 

A couple evenings ago, I experienced a first (and hopefully only) car accident with significant damage. Likely a large part of it was my fault, looking for a turn and not paying enough attention... slammed into a cargo van stopped in the road. Subsequently rear ended by a van also caught off guard with the sudden collision. It felt a little like getting punched.. the split second of realization that I'd wrecked, next thought followed "so that's how airbags react"...

About a month prior, as I turned away from de-escalating a patient .. he punched me in the cheek bone. As I walked down the hallway, I also thought "so that's how it feels to be punched in the face"... 

Neither one of the incidents feel particularly important or traumatic. Others experience more severe accidents and more common, undeserved beatings.. end of the day, I'm a little bruised and sore from both incidents.. but nothing a couple days rest and wine won't cure. So I am blessed, fortunate.  

Speaking of blessed....At the moment I find myself sitting in the emergency room, listening to a patient pray for me to be "let into the pearly gates" when I die, because he's decided I'm a "chosen one, so now I will do good things on the earth". Very nice of him, considering that I haven't been extremely nice ...and no matter that he's very  delusional and swings in / out of rational thinking, acting like a 5 year old and threatening every other word! Surreal to hear him preach what I've heard many times from sane men.

So this is part of where the year has gone, time in the hospital keeping my cynical side healthily supplied. Another part has gone to driving... Many hours and miles of driving, to and from New Jersey frequently. A very small but wonderful part went to a fantastic birthday trip in Los Angelos, where I had the honor of spending my 30th birthday. Another bit went to hours of training and supporting a very good friend. And at least a portion of drinking wine and eating sushi with the siblings occurred. But where did the rest of the time melt to..

I've paid off some long standing debt, realized the weight of cumbersome student loans, been blessed with income and hopefully lightened some others burden with gifts.  I reconciled with an old demon from my past, if one can truly reconcile with a demon. Realized that we reflect on our scars of old wounds..

Life-giving is a word on mind a lot. Taking a director and lead role at Impact, my long standing soccer and sport training company, has been the most life giving of activities in the last few months. Though it takes up a lot of my time, attention, and energy. I absolutely love it! I've found like minded people in the leadership, a style that fits with me, and a challenge big and intimidating enough to keep me motivated and interested. For the first time I've found something to invest in, to build upon and find value in .. Quite refreshing.

But.. No sleep occurs. And my family suffers, as I don't spend nearly enough time for those that love me unconditionally. And in worn out, drained quiet moments.. Or joyous ones.. I find myself feeling a good bit alone. Not a new feeling to be sure.

At times I feel like I'm strapped into some sort of device that's propelling me pelmel... A ride that I can't quite stop, even if I wanted to.. It's a great exhilarating experience, wonder if I'm missing things on the way..  incidences like the car accident remind me to slow down and learn to take care. Though I'm not real sure that'll happen. But thankfully the uncontrolled fall down the rabbit hole has stopped...replaced by a rather speedy train but at least I'm somewhat in control :)

So if that's the year in review...where's that leave the present, and the near future...and the long.

Driving too fast
Moon is breaking through her hair
She said it was something that she won't forget
Having no regrets is all that she really wants
We're only getting older baby
And I've been thinking about it lately
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast the night changes?
Everything that you've ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
(One Direction - Night Changes)
Though I can relate, it's not the changing that drives me so crazy... more the fear of stagnancy, the feeling of spinning my wheels. Think learning and growing happen, though little by little with this stubborn one...but at least I'm aware. Particularly learning about the greatness and joy and pain of unconditional love.. In weaker moments I think, "If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit".. And honestly sometimes I wish for a rescue. 
But really, it's been a good year.. A more intentional one with some big decisions made, for good or bad. And I pray... that one day, everything that I've ever dreamed of...appearing when I wake up.  

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