Pride myself in handling crisis and unexpected events with ease... stability... assurance. ". Perhaps it's an ability to compartmentalize, that can be damaging to personal relationships if not carefully managed. Generally I adapt to surroundings and situations quickly, a product of seeking to be well-rounded..."jack of all trades, master of none". An arrogance, or possibly confidence, prompts me to believe there's not much I can't handle... can't figure out...
That felt all well managed... till a little new life formed. The sound of a heart beat at 160 beats per minute...nearly stopped mine. Suddenly my ability to compartmentalize... control... manage... process and adapt totally evaporated. And yet my "kryptonite" became immediately, unconditionally, and completely beloved.
...fascinating how one so tiny creates such a dual emotion within...
Motherhood doesn't necessarily scare me, though it's certain to challenge in unforeseen and tremendous ways.. yet, once the little one comes it becomes "go" on all cylinders - no time to question, worry, or plan... just do and function; a great adventure.
But this business of waiting..... uncertainty.... rocks me at the core.
....sometimes my life just don't make sense at all, when the mountains look so big and my faith just seems so small... I wake up in the night and feel the dark.
Without trying to sound melodramatic... I felt betrayed and abandoned. Even my body and unconscious thoughts couldn't be depended upon or trusted. Dreams plagued the nights, realities of day raked stress through a nauseated exhausted body. On top of everything that would be required to change / adjust to the new life coming, I faced the very real prospect of handling it independently which nearly suffocated me.
Thanks to God, slowly there's been steps of healing... rest ...and growth. Still, it feels as though almost nothing is stable and less is secure. The process of planning, taking steps to create stability and a sensible plan has been rather tedious ... definitely not in fast moving certain pace I generally operate and prefer. All the while imaging I see the best end result, helpless to make it happen...
... surrender don't come natural to me - I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want, than take what you give that I need. And I beat my head against so many walls...
Thought I'd learned lessons of trust... patience...waiting...but turns out the surface had only been scratched. And I suspect now is still only a taste.
... won't you be my Prince of Peace.
I truly stand in amazement at the millions of mothers that bear children without seeming to falter. Even as a young girl, I knew such an experience would be extremely difficult for me.. it's of course because of selfishness... and inner fears / doubts. In lighter moments it's easy to say "of course God, ya would pick this to ask me to handle"...
At the same time, reflecting now on the past 22 weeks... I find that though doubts and fears of the future still plague, as well as need for answers and security torment... and yet, I see the weeks countdown as one watches time slip away at the end of a lovely trip. Pleasantly surprised to find that I want to hold onto these moments... of the little one somersaulting and practicing football / training moves.
...for you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well....Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be...
I hold with certainty that this young new life will change the world... or at least my world.
// Please do not mistake these reflections as anything but one lady sharing part of a journey - in effort to grow and be open. There is nothing extraordinary, tragically good or tragically bad, about this story... it simply is one of hundreds, thousands around the globe. Mothers bear and raise children in deplorable conditions and against all odds. At the end of the day, we are incredibly blessed... this little precious one and I //
Open up our hearts
Love is breaking us
Love remaking us
Come heal now
Take away the blindness
So we can see what we were meant to see
We feel light devastating darkness
Oh I can see another day come