Tuesday, May 5, 2015

pendulum courage

A pendulum; the inevitable swing of momentum. It behaves so predictably when balanced correctly....mesmerizing, maddening, monotonous. Each climax is matched with opposite but equal distance from the resting equilibrium point, with only a moment to pause before it repeats endlessly. It never rests, never stays still, never finds pause. The ceaseless rhythm is so innocent and well intentioned as it serves as a measurement of time passing. It's not stagnant, like the motionless counterpart who's content to rest in the same position day after day. But the swing of the pendulum is its own entrapment and prison, to be held captive to a single course yet never able to rest or enjoy...

And yet, a pendulum occurs when a weight is suspended from a pivot point and able to hang Freely. It's simply acting under the natural forces. Each period of the pendulum swing occurs because it is unrestrained, motivated only by the initial casting off. Over time proper pendulums will eventually slow, not able to reach such great heights. It is not a fault of their own, but rather the natural forces of friction or air drag. A metronome operates under the same idea, but adds an element of force that keeps the rhythm continual...not subject to natural laws that slow. Musicians and dancers are grateful for the constant reliable beat, though no doubt equally frustrated by the guide.

There's a certain comfort that lies within ritual and the predictable. People seek it in a variety of ways, healthy and unhealthy, ranging in extremes and levels of importance. Although a great deal of spontaneity may exist to counteract the mundane, it is still sought on any number of ways to provide stability.  Even an unhealthy/sinful/"bad" behavior may serve as a way of maintaining routine and ultimately control.  A formerly homeless man I've known for a few years drinks heavily, without hardly an interaction sober.  After being in a severe accident and living in a rehab facility for about 6 months, he confesses to using a small cup to drink water so he may imagine it's a shot of alcohol - his pivot point, the foundation of his pendulum...

And if we make our own inability a stumbling block or an excuse... (Oswald Chambers)

Although often I feel as though I'm continually "blessed" with an existential crisis, I don't often consider the pendulum of life - either in a constant state of movement or constant stillness. Its like, rather than viewing the glass half empty or half full, it seems the logical answer to me is "the glass is simply where it is".  I tend to be more in the moment, for good or bad (even though people close to me know I can get in my head at times). However, events of the last couple months have led to a bit of an unusual place....rather unsettling in how off base and nearly lost it feels. Frustrated after struggling again following a period of peace and centering, I confessed to a psychiatrist friend of mine that I feel compelled to pick between the two polar ends of the pendulum.  A feeling of finality seems to have leaked into my mindset....as though the pendulum may stop swinging and become fixed in one end of the spectrum...

Even a fixed point on the pendulum, regardless of where it lands, seems somewhat unwelcome... although I feel relatively weary of the constant swinging motion. Honestly, I'd like some rest.

And perhaps it's not the motion of the pendulum that's creating a feeling of unrest within me. Rather, a lack of trust in God to sustain and protect and love. A combination of professional and personal life happenings create a pretty strong reminder and feeling of being out of control. Regardless of how hard I work or hope or wish... at the end of the day the changes (for good or bad) are not within my ability to adjust. And quite simply, it feels as though the pendulum got kicked a bit... or a chain is threatening to stop the motion... or worse, the motion will continue always in the same course. Oddly enough, I yearn for a shift in the pendulum; a change of pivot point and foundation - a new equilibrium to hold center.

Don't let your heart be troubled....what is seen is temporary, what is unseen is eternal; fix your eyes on the unseen.

May we find Courage.

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