safe spaces

someone told me recently, I know who you are (or the person you are)
...provided as a blanket statement and attempted explanation...

thinking about the idea of safer spaces lately, thanks to a rather talented trainer.  most assuredly, the above comment does not promote a safe environment.  whether said in promise or threat, manipulative or innocent... i can't imagine that statement with any sort of love or well-meaning.

couple nights ago I watched the last part of Avatar.. beyond the fabulous imagery, i love the idea of "i see you".  it is meant to be an acknowledgment between people of respect, love, care, and truly valuing, accepting, and appreciating the person for who they, where they are.. regardless of weakness or struggle.

up until the last few days, i assumed that the benefit to stating emphatically and assuring people i know you came from a place of arrogance and pride.  but, i am again reminded of the need we feel for safety, especially when we're with people.  and, it seems we attempt to gain that safety and comfort level at any costs - usually at the cost of others.

we beg for safe spaces.. but not explicitly.  more often, we hide behind cruel or arrogant words, assumptions, clever jokes, or any variety of self defense verbal or nonverbal acts.  a few brave ones are able to ask for a safe space directly, in courageous conversations

but, like my current running physique, we are very "out of shape", when it comes to courageous conversations that focus on healthy, positive, and mutually beneficial relationship as the outcome.

the work morning greeted me with two residents yelling obscenities and threats at one another. before even walking up the steps into the building, i could predict the situation that unfolded inside.  sure enough, boundaries and space of one another as invaded.. territories (both physical areas in the building and emotional areas within) were marked, divided, and protected.. and both made their hatred and discomfort and anger at one another known.  the two individuals couldn't be more dissimilar... in essentially every manner one could imagine.  but, it was interesting to watch how both attempted to "rise above the situation", walk away, and hold themselves innocent of any guilt or bias or inappropriate behavior....while accusing the other of prejudice at the same time very clearly expressing their own prejudice.

sometimes i feel as though i spend most days redirecting, reframing, and remodeling the broad assumptions we carry toward other people.   it's not so dangerous until we allow the assumptions to control behavior.  but, it's like we skip a step... and jump to a conclusion.

there's a man i know, who stands on the sidewalk facing a three lane one way busy street in Philadelphia... and he screams, yells, curses, rants, raves, and in general berates every single car as it passes.  whether paused for a light or crawling in traffic or moving along at a clip at or above the speed limit.. every car is addressed with the same obscenities and accusations, whether it's a mercedes or bmw or toyota or work truck or minivan.  and, once i joined him on the sidewalk, the words and accusations were more clear.. basically yelling "all you drive past in your nice cars to your great houses and partners and kids, cause you have love and a job, you think you're great and awesome.. because you have a car and a job and house and kids and job!  what's wrong with you?  who do you think you are, all of you with your jobs and cars and houses..".   he firmly, in those moments, believe that every single person driving past owns a car, lives in a lovely house they own with kids and spouse, holds a job, and "life in their eyes".    honestly, i had a hard time deciding who i felt more sympathy for.. the people he barraged with his false assumptions and hate or the man who clearly felt such hurt over those assumptions...

back to safe spaces... there's nothing that makes me want to leave a situation faster than i know who you are (or anything similar).   it gets under my skin... fight or flight is the immediate reaction, or more preferably - fight then flight.  because being presented by people expressing such assumptions holds an unfortunately high frequency, i've attempted over the years to temper my reaction... learn to sit in the space, despite my discomfort and anger and hurt, and attempt to see how it relates.

and... i've also accepted, there's a small measure of discomfort because the statement (or a portion of it) generally aligns with at least a percentage of my personality and character and behavior.  so, even if the deliverer of the statement doesn't know.. we do, and it feels a tad like a pinched nerve.

we all want to be seen.. to be known.. but it's so infrequently free of judgment, that we've learned to stay hidden quite well.

... seems i've had a rash of reminders lately that silence is golden.  and moreover, it takes strength and humility and confidence to remain quiet, to accept a little discomfort to allow another a safer place.