freedom in vulnerability

As a little girl, I seemed to find kittens struggling to live and "adopt" them, attempting to nurse them back to health.  These kittens were usually found abandoned amidst the hay in one of our two barns. I remember one specifically, so small and helpless..  couldn't have been more than a few days old.  I brought it gently into the house, wrapped carefully in a cloth.. prepared a box cushioned with cloth and labeled appropriately for the baby cat to live temporarily.  Mom helped me find a little bottle, or a syringe, to feed the little tyke.  I very carefully dripped warm milk into its mouth, encouraging it with gentle words.. feeling sorry and protective for the blind kitten, who seemed so lost and sad.  

I don't remember how long I took care of the kitten, but it took great importance and focus in my life for the time that it was with me.  But, one day while at Grandma's house, I checked on my kitten to find it lifeless.  I'm sure that I was sad, but I don't recall feeling particularly heartbroken.     Over the years, a fair number of Yoder pets have been given funerals and buried... always loved and cared for during the time they joined our family in life.  Some losses affected me more than others. None hurt so much as watching my horse Princess be put down... that heart wrenching memory still sticks with me, only comparable to one other loss in my life.

Seems silly.. to be reflecting on the loss and memory of pets from childhood and adolescent years.  But, it's where I first learned the painful lessons of caring for something and having it taken away.  Still though.. I prefer loss to death rather than loss of contact and presence.  At least with the former, it's absolutely taken away and contact is impossible - somehow that makes it more bearable.  To be separated in life from another person, is just something I haven't completely figured out how to enjoy.

I don't do well missing people.  In fact, I keep distance and space to avoid the chance of attachment that may create those loathsome feelings of wishing for a person's presence.  Over the years, I've made progress.. allowed a few people in closer, risked and chanced.  Of course, it's been well worth it..  sharing and intertwining lives with my sister, cousin, brother, and parents. But, that's the extent of my success thus far; allowing family to be a part of my life - marginal accomplishment at best.  And.. I'm not entirely sure how to find the balance and resolution. 

The chicken before the egg debate.. which came first: private tendencies natural or means of self preservation and protection?  I don't know the answer.. and i don't particularly know why I share these thoughts.  I find myself reflecting on memories a good deal lately.  And also, running/jogging/walking 10 miles has a tendency to take away the fight and leave introspection free to roam.

It's so strange to me that as a child I wanted to be a veterinarian when I grew up..  I like animals and all, but don't really want them to be a part of my adult life.  But, perhaps those wishes as a little girl showed focus to help others in need, bring them healing, care for, protect, and be there with and for them.  I'm convinced that will always be a huge part of my life..  in some form or another.

But for now, I just want to go for a long horseback ride on my old friend Calypso... a beautiful, fiery and tall chestnut mare that my grandparents owned. She could and did run forever, till her flanks were streaming with sweat and foam.  Together, we would tear around the open fields... she held the smoothest gait, which left me feeling as though I could fly but didn't need such a skill.  Calypso was absolutely willing to go anywhere commanded by the reigns gently on her neck.. guided to speeds by slight movements of my heels and voice commands.  I loved riding her.. could do so for hours upon end.   No greater freedom have I felt that galloping through a field on my parent's land, hands and reigns loose at my sides, holding gently onto her back with my legs as she streamed effortlessly through the field.  Lovely.. magical..

I haven't been able to ride a horse since Calypso and her colt Princess ( a horse I trained and rode solely for a number of years) died. My parents keep Rachel's horse (pictured above), who I attempted to train for a summer, but found myself completely unable to relax enough. I've discovered, that in order to successfully build relationships, a certain amount of vulnerability is necessary.  In the case of training a horse, the relationship built between animal and person, relies a great deal the trainer's ability to be consistent, trusting, and also a level vulnerability (these are strong, powerful animals).  Mickey (who I less than fondly refer to as the Devil horse) was not as tall or large as the two previous horses I handled easily, without fear..  but I didn't want any part of a training or riding relationship with him - not willing or able to be vulnerable and work closely with him.   Hence, the lack of success.

About mile 7.75 today, I decided that I wasn't brave enough to keep a strong pace for the remaining miles... so, set aside my pride and walked mile 9, allowing me to finish mile 10 on a run and finish within a marginally accepted timeframe - considering the zero training accrued.  The extremely exhausted and slightly stiff feeling over all the muscles in my body, suggests that it was a courageous and wise choice to ease up on the race.. but, in the moment, it felt like the weak one.  

...I wonder if we, or I, can be brave and courageous enough to miss people - recognizing that it signifies a realization that one's life is made more full by that person, regardless of how successful and abundant life is independently.