magic shows of our lives

There's a song by Kanye West ft. Bon Iver entitled "Lost in the World", which I find to be rather haunting... comforting and unnerving, hopeless yet strangely confident.  It's been running through my mind, so I gave it a listen before crawling into bed for the night.  As it played, I realized how little music I've listened to since the Africa trip... which is quite a strange phenomenon.   It seems I've been strangely focused on work these last two weeks... well, that and healing from the bizarre amount of illnesses which challenged my body's immune system.  And, though I'm fairly exhausted, I feel it's about time to write a bit.

I'm struck tonight by appearances and perspectives. Not only what we experience, but what other people think we experience.  It brings to mind magic shows or the movie I love, The Prestige.  The illusionist presents a particular image for the audience.  He knows the truth and reality of the illusion, the raw framework of the trick.  But the audience sees the veil, the finished product, the "magic".  Of course, despite knowing a lie exists, they are sill amazed.  And, if the magician is successful, the truth will not be seen by the crowd.  

So often, we present or give forth part of ourselves - an image that people may want to see or how we want people to perceive us. But, just like the magician veiling the magic trick, there's truth and reality underneath to be shown when exposed.  Of course, at times that shroud is necessary.. either to prevent hurt or maintain boundaries.  It brings to mind a conversation with an older gentleman at work who likes to remind me of my tender age and non-street credibility.  He told me, "I lie to you all the time, but see, you don't know that I'm lying to you.. because I live that life, baby".   Not surprising or particular interesting to me that he may lie.. afterall, he spends a good deal of time hustling and using drugs.  But, I wonder if it would dampen his spirits to know how completely aware of his lies I was/am.. though I often choose silence as the response.  

And what is the purpose of the veil, the way in which we present ourselves?  It's certainly not always a positive one, but rather the ideal type to meet whatever self-proclaimed goal we've set. Ruled by fear? Maybe.  Created out of fear/trauma?  In a lot of cases perhaps.  Driven by insecurity? At times.  

Patterns.  Cycles of behavior.  It seems once ruts are created... once that path is tread so often it becomes well-worn.  I was always amazed at my parent's farm how the cats managed to make little trails through the grass.  Seems completely bizarre to me that soft-padded cats' feet would travel down one line so often as to make a visible line in the grass.   It's truly incredible how patterns and cycles of behavior can trap in a very powerful net, which is often invisible to ourselves.. but quite apparent to others (just the reverse of the magic trick). 

At times I feel discouraged at work.. feel the weight and pressure of housing people, with inadequate resources and wayward clients, who are never quite "finished with their business" and ready to get treatment and/or housing.  Breaking the cycles... changing the patterns... hitting that bump or getting that push which shoves us off the well-worn troublesome path and onto a new journey - that's where my mind is drawn continually these last few weeks.  Breaking the negative patterns of behavior and thought in replacement of new, more positive/healthy ones. 

Back to appearances and perspectives.  It's very difficult to break a pattern and cycle of behavior if people's responses to us become completely predictable.  Rather than hope to find new responses, we begin to assume that none exist - thereby exacerbating and reinforcing the negative pattern more.

My morning started with a great conversation with a man who struggles with alcohol. He tends to be rather opinionated and loud-mouthed, a combination which generally ends in arguments and hostility with others.  Certainly we've had a number of lively discussions!  However, while drinking coffee/tea early this morning, he was rather mellow.  We spoke about change... and the difficulty in taking the "plunge" or needed steps to catapult the change.  The known becomes more comfortable and safe than the unknown, despite the discomfort with the known.  Patterns.  We find solace and safety in those knowns... rightly so.  However, as the knowledge for change becomes necessary, it certainly would be great to find a recipe for easing the difficulty and fear of change.  Of course, scholars study and research and theorize all sorts of wonderful change models.. but at the end of the day, breaking familiar patterns of behavior is just plain hard.  And, to some - impossible.  

But, I am completely convinced (or at least cautiously optimistic), that change happens through relationships.  Patterns of behavior will not be broken until a different response is provided.  Perhaps, as with a magic show, people are not always presenting the truth but rather a veiled interpretation of themselves. 

People love magic shows, despite the knowledge of the lie that exists to cover up the reality.