Recent lack of sleep, scattered variety of reading subjects, and the time of year leave my mind a bit scattered. So its quite possible the following writings hold little obvious association and earth shattering realizations.
I crawled into bed, flopped the covers over myself, and snuggled against the many pillows. The sheets were slightly cold, enough to make your skin react just enough in a slight shiver and wish for warm fire, slippers, and a cup of hot chocolate. As I lay on my stomach squirming a bit to get warm, a childhood memory floated suddenly through my mind. When I felt inspired to wake up before dawn and help my father milk cows, it seemed to always be chilly - regardless of the time of year. After the sun rose, cows turned to pasture, and showers taken.. I'd jump back into bed for a few hours of sleep. I remember feeling wonderfully tired and accomplished after the morning chores. The sheets had forgotten the warmth from body heat the night before, returning to their chilly and quiet state. However, I learned soon that warmth and rest happened when I lay very still - as though tricking the sheets into providing warmth. The slightest movement brought a fresh chill from the blankets, again settled with stillness. When moments passed and warmth spread through my body, I felt completely comfortable and at peace. Now, years later.. the adult version of me smiled at these memories, lay still, and drifted into dreamland.
On a possibly unrelated note (because I sense a connection, but have not been able to solidify or rationalize it in my mind yet), a comment from my friend and mentor sticks with me - "...read between the lines". It seems, that we want people to read between the lines of our lives.. to find understanding, empathy, and perspective without explicit expression. Although, I suspect that we are not consciously aware of such a desire. If transparency is truly embraced in relationships, there should be no need or reason to read between the lines - because no lines exist. But I wonder if we are uncomfortable with such invisibility and lack of restraints. It requires high levels of vulnerability, selflessness, and confidence to maintain such transparency. We have to be completly certain of our individuality; differentiated to the highest degree. And trust without fear; honesty without shame. Our "civilized" selves generally react negatively to lack of restrictions and boundaries. Seems strange, because we are constantly fighting the constraints of life and seeking freedom. However, I am finding that these boxes, squares, and fences keep us grounded and provide foundations. Without fences, animals tend to roam.. and we aren't entirely comfortable with this idea. A world of the unknown, while tempting and beautiful is scary as hell. Generally we take a safer, more well-known, familiar route.
And so, the lines are contrived...out of our fear, weakness, and doubts. One may argue that boundaries and lines serve their purpose, but if people truly embrace transparency and love - in its purest and unconditional form - these restraints would be rendered useless. However, we cannot trust selfish and weak natures.. either for ourselves or others. Therefore, in order to protect, the lines are drawn. And despite the best of intentions, we prevent an opportunity for growth. By creating lines, we run the risk of becoming crippled. Who knows what would happen if those boundaries didn't exist! What sort of passionate (or possibly traumatic) experiences would it lead to!? Struggles may ensue.. weaknesses may be evident.. bravery and courage may be necessary... but that's a real, uncontrived life. And I'll take that please.
Though I eventually settled into the warm sheets...I remember always waiting till the warmth started to creep in, then I'd move just enough so my skin touched the cool, fresh sheets. There was always a bit of a thrill to rustle the blankets and stir up the comfort. Eventually though, I'd moved enough or laid there long eough so the entirety of the blanket was warm and lulled me to sleep.
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