Not often do I find myself unnerved by people, but Tobias succeeded in that endeavor the moment he walked in my office and sat quietly in the chair. Immediately I recognized my discomfort (with a bit of irritation at the uncommon feeling), but nevertheless plunged into the interaction with typical greeting and information gathering questions. Very quickly, I suspected that the dark-skinned, soft-spoken young man of 19 years old with "no mental health or drug and alcohol issues" held a great deal of pain inside. On that first interaction, the conversation between us moved at an agonizingly slow rate with silence held for long periods between spoken word. Tobias seemed to reach deep within himself to dredge up a bit of energy to respond to questions - if he could even find the answers. Most of the time he appeared lost, in space and in mind. Rather than feel empathetic and understanding as I generally might, I found myself irritated and impatient with this young man. Not only were the non-commital answers unhelpful, but they seemed to be manipulative as well. In my eyes, the observable evidence of such foolery showed itself through Tobias' frequent grins. They appeared frequently, at inappropriate times, with a bit of pleasure/pain mixed, and a sense of guilt or perhaps shame. The combination of this physical behavior and Tobias sidestepping answers joined together to create a rather unnerving presence. Arrogantly, I assumed that the grins signified a childish crush or perhaps internal giggling at a cleverly played joke. The feeling which accompanied my reaction to Tobias' ill-timed smiles is similar to the one I felt when Mickey (our family quarterhorse) opens his mouth wide, repeatedly, for no apparent reason. I struggled with an urge to question him directly about the grins, but decided that it would not be helpful. Soon, I avoided eye contact with Tobias and my responses/questions became more short.
Over the next six months, Tobias wandered quietly into my office a number of times...always sitting at the desk, smiling or laughing in between an otherwise serious and heavy presence, seeking help without taking, and seeming lost. Our interactions yielded little information - no history, no current whereabouts, not even a real sense of needs or goals. A few times he seemed to attempt help, by completing intake at the shelter main.. or staying one night at the youth shelter.. and two nights at a men's shelter. But for the most part, Tobias seemed to be aimless. Furthermore, Tobias lacked, or didn't observe, transitional cues; our conversations would inevitably end in silence, following a clearly explained next step. Even when asked to sit in the hallway and wait, he simply remained - unmoved in the chair next to my desk. Each time I sat down to speak to Tobias, I tried various styles of communication... none yielding different results. He remained vague, closed.. with characteristic "smile".
Needless to say, when I looked up to see him standing in my office doorway this morning I didn't jump for joy. A heavy sigh based through my already weary and distracted mind/emotions.. wasn't sure I could handle the heavy, indiscernible, unnerving presence of this young man. The interaction occurred quid pro quo. I adopted a rather blunt approach, direct with questions and avoiding eye contact. Of course, it yielded no benefit - in fact, the grins seemed to increase in frequency and duration. And then.. I started to pay more attention to the "smile" and realized that Tobias appeared to be fighting back tears. But that did not fit... so I looked more closely and realized there was a strange pain/pleasure mix in the grimace. Internal stimuli, I wondered.
In order to get a second opinion/perspective on Tobias, I invited him to speak with my supervisor. Fascinatingly, he reacted strongly - though well hidden and controlled - to the inclusion of another person in our conversations. It was quite evident in body language and questions that he felt betrayed or "set up" by me, even questioning directly the purpose of meeting..clenching hand in apparent anger..adopting a clearly defensive stance in speech. Of course, the change in typical behavior intrigued me. Tobias curtly ended the conversation with the supervisor, clearly choosing preference of seeking resource avenues with me, which he joined in with a slightly more open attitude.
Strangely, the young man no longer unnerved me... perhaps I ran up against a wall, feeling exhausted from cyclical conversation... perhaps I could understand or connect with the show of anger, frustration, betrayal... or perhaps he simply adjusted his behavior. Either way, I finally approached him in a present and genuine manner, without the boundary I'd placed on conversation due to my discomfort. The response was magical. And became a clear reminder to the effect of perceptions and interpretations. For instance, we suggest mental health help, he hears mental institution (explaining since 13 years old he spent time in hospitals and rtf sites). We see smiles/grins and assume emotion, he feels internal stimuli - without intention (describing "sick", with a bit of probing he described a jittery, oddly enjoyable, breath restraining chest pain). For the first time, Tobias expressed needs and initiated a plan for himself.
In that half hour, tangible weight lifted and a dark aura left the room. An air of relief seemed evident, as occurs when puzzles pieces find their place. As I sat in rapt attention to our conversation..intrigued by the person I finally saw, rather than just looked at. I do not know what the future holds for Tobias. But certainly it won't be a complete mystery hidden behind misinterpretation and confounded by assumptions.
May we open our eyes and minds.
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