the risk of jumping

A favorite past time of youth around my home town is jumping/diving off rocks into deep pools of water.  Jennings Randolph, with its mini cliff banks surrounding a lake, provided a thrill of excitement and endless entertainment for my brother and friends.  Despite a slight adrenaline rush obsession in myself, I've never joined in the mini cliff diving.  Cannonballs into swimming pools, diving into ponds, or stepping off a high dive are my closest experiences to the rush of free falling through air to sink with a splash into water.  I've stood on the edge of the rocks.. gazing over the edge at the smooth water below.   Safety wasn't the concern.. observational data showed that many people executed that jump without harm.  Deep water doesn't scare me because I am able to swim.  But even with all these factors, combined with peer pressure, just were never enough to make me take the leap.  I climb silos in the dead of winter.. slippery (notice the correct word usage) rock surfaces.. meander in lakes, raging lakes and waterfalls.. walk/run through dark city streets (not that often, calm down).. chill with drug users and dealers.. etc.  I very rarely feel scared or worried or insecure in situations.   So, it's always annoyed me that I can't make myself jump..  what the hell is stopping me?!

Maybe it is simply too real.. or, more precisely.. too out of control.  There's no way to stop myself... once I've made that decision and my feet leave the safety of the ground, I'm in the grasp of gravity - a slave to her.  I will fall through the air, without ability to stop, until the water catches me.  And, bottom line - I don't trust it.  Although I've seen the water cushion people and hold them safely.. it's just too much to risk.

"There is a certain pride in man, that will give and give, but to come and accept is another thing.  I will give my life to martyrdom, I will give myself in consecration, I will do anything, but do not humiliate me to the level of the most hell deserving sinner and tell me that all I have to do is to accept the gift of salvation..."  (Oswald Chambers)

Leaning over the edge, I see the crystal water below and it looks tantalizing.. inviting me to join; welcoming me to its embrace.   I long to jump.  My balance shifts to the balls of my feet and for a moment I feel as though I can/will let go.  But, no...reason or lack of inspiration or fear stays me. Its plain and simple - I just prefer to trust my own two legs to keep me solidly on the ground.  I want nothing to do with the free-falling and weightless affect brought by gravity. 


"... He can do nothing for us if we think we are sufficient of ourselves, we have to enter... through destitution. As long as we are rich, possessed of anything in the way of pride of independence, God cannot do anything for us."
(Oswald Chambers)

And so.. for now I remain on the edge of the cliff, feet stubbornly planted on ground.  After-all, I feel safe and secure in the knowledge that gravity won't be able to play silly bossy games as it does with objects disconnected.  The known is always less frightening than the unknown.  Strange that I only apply that saying to this experience... definitely a double-standard and excuse. Every other area of my life I wish to seek the unknown, feeling bored and distracted in the known.  Yet, all of those situations I'm in control and very firmly placed on the ground, safe from gravity and not reliant on water's cushions to protect.  Whenever I speak about control, Dave Matthews' song Dive In runs through my mind, "though we would like to believe we are, we are not in control.. though we would love to believe."  


While I feel the need or desire or "calling" (if you will) to jump off the cliff, I don't necessarily believe that everyone needs to follow a similar path.  In the same song, Matthews seems to beg, "tell me everything will be okay if I just stay on my knees and keep praying, believing in something...tell me everything is all taken care of by those qualified to take care of it all." Lately.. or rather, again.. I've been getting the prickling of an urge, the whisper of knowledge that staying on the edge of the cliff is simply not enough.  I've yet to define the purpose of such thoughts.. or my precise role. Maybe I'm supposed to push (encourage) a few people to jump or connect with those on the cliff.  But I don't feel a tremendous need to expend energy and thought on dissecting, over-thinking, and analyzing.  For now, I remain present..in the moment.. leaning into the feelings, questions.. with peace and awareness, wait for time to share its hidden stories.